deidrichenstein: (京)
I haven't slept in over 30 hours.

I feel so fucking weird right now. I'm tired but not sleepy, my body is aching but it's not painful, everything, especially lights, are unfocused and grainy and when I turn quickly my vision becomes slightly clouded over for a moment. Then it clears when I squint a little. My body feels very heavy, heavier than it should feel.

It's clouded over as the day has worn on, and I wish it had stayed clear today. Usually bright sunlit days feel oppressive to me and I spend much of the time wishing it would all go grey. Today it's the opposite and I feel just as dreary as the day looks. Everything is dull, I want it to be vibrant.

My head is a dull mush. I can't concentrate on anything, and I had planned to do a number of things today. I can't be fucked. I'm sitting at my desk staring at this screen, at the window, at the tree outside, at my bed, at the woman's face on the magazine I'm using as a mouse pad and there is just nothing there. I can't think. This makes me tense and jittering and very ill-contented. It makes me bored and there is nothing I fucking hate more than being bored. Hopefully it's just fucking burn out and will be better by tomorrow. But I can't sleep now... I have to continue till nightfall. It's only 2PM. I need more coffee. I need a lot more coffee.

I visited my grandparents this morning as I usually do on a Sunday. I've moved recently and I don't have a fridge or a washing machine so they do my washing for me once or twice a week. I've never before been in such enjoyable, regular contact with anyone. No matter how shitty I might feel before hand, even on the way there, when I there and with them I'm joyful. I suppose I'm grateful. I've never had any kind of support in my life, genuine, loving, all encompassing support that makes me feel so much gratitude and affection for them I almost feel ashamed.

Ah well, I'm going to get a coffee and listen to Buck-Tick all afternoon and try to work on more of Uroboros. I've decided I'm going to complete that album fully before posting others, although I have done work on them. I'll post the verses throughout the hardcover book in the deluxe edition as well, because I've never seen them anywhere, as well as english versions and any rambling or annotations I might have because I like the idea of it being ~complete~ and thorough :P
And the documents on my computer are in a disgusting horrendous mess and there is shit everywhere and I'm too lazy to go and clean everything up. So I'll have it all neatly stored here. :P


Misshitsu is just indescribable and it's been my favourite B-T song since forfuckingever. I just found this video and jesus fuck me sideways I'm just watching it over and over and over. The mic cam is amazing, I've never seen a performance shot like that before. SAKURAI YOUR EYES ;-;
... I need that fucking DVD.


deidrichenstein: (Default)

July 2012

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